A Dummy Book? No, folks, there's no demand for autobiographies in the working world. I tried a Dummy Book once tho'. Yep "What Every Dummy NEEDS to Know about Wimenz" (that's plural for wimen.) It was mostly blank, you know; but some wimenz threatened to lynch me if I published it. I reckon they juz done have a sense of humor when it cumz ta men messin in their stuff. Shoot, I think one of them was my mother; she was the one hollaring, "Lynch him!"

I hired a lawyer and started to fight them in court. I wuz citing my "morning constitutional" rights, but then I found him swinging in a tree on the courthouse lawn with a sign around his neck that said, "DUMMY" and well, I just sorta dropped the whole issue. I reckon he didn't think too kindly of it, neither. That wuz a terrible thing to do to thet nice yung feller. You know, I never seen a grown man act like a gorilla afor; and then to put a sign around his neck and make him swing on branches...I'll tell you the truth, them thar wimenz was just plane intollerable.

After my day in court failed miserably, I decided that an entrepenueral career would be a whole lot safer. Yep, just had to be somethin' easier and safer and a whole lot more rewarding than writing a book. Sidez, the nightmare of me swinging from a branch with my mother hollaring, Lynch him! just didn't cut it. It was just plain upsettin', swhat twas.

After much searching and pondering on whut I needed to be one of them entrepreneur guyz. Well, folks, the dikchun... dictshu... oh, hell, the wurd book sez, and I quote, "e;considerable initiative and risk."e; I reckon that initiative stuff means lots of letters whut don't make a wurd but mean the same thing as a wurd. Ya know, like in time - am and pm; or, whut them dokters use, Dr. That's all initiatives. Well, I reckon I got enuf of them, whut with Bubba B. Bubba Book Publishun. The initiatives are BBBB Publishun. Had a young feller, nuther one of them thar lawyerz fix up sum papers and a fancy look to them initiatives. He called it my Trade Mark and rit it down like this: B⁴ Publishun. Yep, sed I could use that on all my stuff. He sed something bout copy rite, too, but I don't member all of it.

Any ways, back to this entrepreneur stuff. The wurd book also sez something bout risk. Yep, I know bout risk. Risk is something you gotta take and hope you don't use. Kinda like whut happens when cross a street-you take a risk. If you git to the uther side you didn't use none of it. If you don't git to the uther side you don't need it. Since I'm still walking round, I guess I still got all the risk I need or want.

Anyways, it seems that them thar entrepreneur folks is deep into some kind of bizness; and, so, too, am I. Least ways, thats whut I'm plannin. I started with a thing called a Marketing Plan. I thought a Marketing Plan was a shopping list; but, that's not true. Marketing Plan is fancy lawyer talk for figerin out how to sell something. And therein (more lawyer talk) lies the problem as I see it. You gotta git you something that costs nuttin to make, very little to ship, and, then, convince folks, thru advertisin, that they need it. That's how you make a marketing plan. Yep, just simple ole down-home talkin to folks bout your stuff. After you do all that - Viola! you're a cazillionaire (that's more than thet thar feller with all them computters has got.)

After much pondering (that's thinking in a rockin chair on the front porch with a glass of sweet tea and warm weather), I came up with the perfect product. Something so simple only Bubba B. Bubba could have thought of it. Everyone in bizness today puts up signs announcing that they are out of this and that (I'll cover the marketing plan for this and that later on.)

Anyways, there's this thing in bizness called logistics, that's like supplies and transportation all rolled into one. You gotta find it, then, you gotta git it. Normally, when a bizness is outta something, they just call someone and order enuf to last them til the next time. However, it seems that this here particular item is in very short supply. Shoot, it may even be on the endangered list. So, when a entrepreneur guy can't get something, he puts up a sign tellin folks that it ain't here. That's where I come in.

I know where it's at, I know how to git it to where it needs to be, and, on a good day, I know how much to charge for it. There is, also, an upside to all this planning and entrepreneur stuff - them thar bizness folks can git rid o them thar signs. Now, that's just got to git me in good with them environmental people. You know, kind uv like insurance for when I'm chunkin beer cans out the back door onto the pile. (I'll cover environmental waste disposal in another installment later.)

Loitering. Yep, tharz a shortage of it. So, Bubba here, has decided he could get a mess of it and sell it to them thar folks whut ain't got nun. Now, no one can tell me where its made or kept; so I got me onto that thing whuts called the Internet. Yep, I just shook up that tote sack full of megerbites; warmed up the little tv; and, afor to long voila! (that's Frenchy for "WOW!" Just showin off.) I located the factory AND the warehouse. Yep, twas thar all the time right in the middle of a lil ole town called Charter, up north in Yankee land. Wouldn't you know it, something as needy as Loitering, and them thar Yankees is a hordin it all. Well, they ain't never had to deal with Bubba afor, so they're in for a treat.

Now, then, loitering isn't something you kin see or touch; and, I don't rightly know whut them folks use it for; but, they're outta it and I'm bound and determined to be the largest supplier of it in the country. Can you imagine how much bizness revenue I can save the world by bringing loitering to your front door. Why, shoot, just think of a sign reading No Loitering on your local theater mar-kee. Heck, that'd drive a bunch of folks away. Can you see a trend here? There's money to be made and I'm already figering out bout franchises and stuff.

I got me some folks down home thats de-signing packages to put this stuff in so it'll look purdy and make folks buy more of it. Yep, something like red background with yellow letters reading -- LOITERING - Home grown and brought to you by Bubba B. Bubba Marketun, a division of Bubba B. Bubba Book Publishun, a subsidary of Bubba B. Bubba, Ink. Bubba B. Bubba, Prop. I even got folks dreamin up slogans like, Hang around, buy more!

Just to show you my hearts in the right place, I'll recycle them signs for free. With every order of loitering, I'll take away 1 sign and recycle it. Yep, there's money to be made there, too. You take them signs that read NO LOITERING and put dots behind the N and O, then sell them as advertising for New Orleans-style Loitering. Shoot, everyone wants something Cajun. Maybe even go international. Get them NAFTA (see what I mean about initiatives-heres some) trux to haul them to Canada and use them for -- North Ontario Loitering. I'm telling you, this is big!

Speaking of transportation, that's the strangest part of this whole mess. Loitering is being sent around the country by bus. That's right, bus. Probably cause truxs is to aspensive. But, anywayz, them folks at the factory been using bussuz for a long time, I know, cause I've seen them everywhere. Great big ole Grey Hounds with signs over the front window saying, Charter. Yep, they're all going back for more loitering. Now, then, you never see any of them marked with signs reading, -- Another Load of Loitering.

Why? Cause that stuff is in such short supply that those bussuz would never get to where they were supposed to go if folks knew what was on em. Kinda like a run on the bank or pillaging a village. Nope, they're right secretive bout the whole thing.

So, I took myse'f down to the bus stachun and got me one of them thar tickits so I could go there and get me sum loitering. I had to as-plain to thet feller behind the counter bout where I figered Charter was; but, eventually he got the idee. He sold me a tickit and was real happy grinning and all. Cost me a whole bunch of lunch money, but I figered i's wurth it. Shoot, he told me just to sit on down in a chair and hold my breath til the bus come in.

I mustuva misunderstood him, cause I got on the wrong bus. I didn't know it til we passed thru Charter. I wasn't paying any attention when the bus rolled up. He come walking out and told me that that was my bus and to git on it and the driver would take care of me. Then, just nice as you please, he went over to the driver and talked to him bout takin care of me. I couldn't heer em, but I knew it twas me they's talkin bout cause they pointed to me and smiled. Down-home folks is just naturally hospitable, that way.

Ya gotta be carful cuz the bus to Express passes right thru Charter at a high rate of vibration. See, Express means no stoppin for nuttin. When I asked him bout Charter, quite a ways down the road, he said, "Shoot, pardner, that was a ways back. You shoulduv said something."

I said, "Oh, no! Mister I gotta git off soz I kin git back to Charter. That's what my tickits for."

Now, I didn't know that that thar great big ol bus could stop that fast; nor, did I know that everyone on the bus was so interested in my conversashun with that driver feller. When the bus finally come to a stop and the doors opened, every passenger on the bus was crowding right up on me. It was an eye-opening experience, I'm here to tell you.

I thanked him for his trouble and stepped off the bus and began my walk back to Charter. Didn't rightly know where it was, but I knew I didn't want nuttin to do with Express. Anyway, I'm savin up my lunch money soz I kin try it 'gin someday.

In the mean time, I'm perfectin' my marketin' plan. I reckon I can get that stuff out to every one whut needz it and git rida them damn sinez. There's no reason for buzinessez to deface themselvz by puttin up sinez saying "NO LOITERING!" All they have to do is call me I kin get for em hole sale; or, leest ways, garage sale.

You had enough, yet? Be good to yourself, and I'll be back with more later. I'm working on a marketing plan, now, for Humble Sauce. Yep, bizinessez have to diversify some, don't ya know.